Friday, November 2, 2012

Grieving for What Could Have Been


A couple of weeks ago, we found out that we would become a family of four.
I was shocked, and yet so excited.
I took another test to be sure, because that's what you do.  Double check.
I got yet another positive test!
The celebrating began!

We were so thrilled.
Well, Little Miss, was pretty confused but I choose to think she was excited.

We told our close family and friends and they celebrated this life with us.

A few days after that second positive test, the pain began.
I didn't feel good.  Every part of me hurt!
I knew what was going to happen but I tried to think positively.
After a long painful day, that night, all positivity had left me.
I cried to the hubs, and he tried to stay positive for me.

Early that next morning our baby went to be with God.
I cried and cried.
I hadn't been pregnant very long (5 weeks along to be exact) but I already missed this baby.
I thought my tests had been wrong.  I thought I had done something wrong.  I tried to reason with myself that many other women lose their babies when they are further along. I should feel lucky that this happened very early on.  But nothing helped.

I think it was the emotional swing that really hurt me.  The short amount of time between finding out I was pregnant and then not long after finding out I wasn't anymore.


I didn't want to talk to anyone. 
I didn't want to write.
I didn't want to do anything.
 I'm lucky to have a husband and family that knows this about me and they lovingly force me to talk.


The other night I was talking to my mom about this and she said, "It happens to a lot of women, we just don't hear about it because we don't talk about it."
That statement caused me to wonder why don't we talk about it.
Why don't we celebrate the life God made for a short amount of time?
Is it because we feel it is our fault?
Is it because we don't want people to see our true feelings?
Those questions I can't answer.
I think it is different for everyone, but now I want to share.
God is good.  God is taking care of our little baby.  One day, we will see him/her again.

I want to be grateful for this child.
I want to share our loss in hopes that someone somewhere will feel comfortable enough to share.
This I know for sure, we were not created to live life alone.  We were not created to suffer in silence.
We were created to love and be there for each other.

If this has happened to you recently, please know you are not alone!  Email me, call a friend, tell someone!  And know someday you will see your baby again!!  God is raising them for you.  And I don't know about you, but I sure think God is a much MUCH better parent than I could ever hope to be.  And that is what gives me comfort.




11 comments:

  1. This is a very inspiring post. I think it is awesome that you are celebrating the life of your baby. 5 weeks is plenty of time to feel attached and to love it. So sorry to hear of your loss.

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    1. Thanks Desirae! I appreciate it! And I'm really enjoying your blog! So glad we stumbled upon each other! :)

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  2. Thank you for being brave enough to post this! So sorry for your loss. To think that the first thing he/she saw was the face of Jesus is amazing.

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    1. Thank you for your sweet words, Tiffany!

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  3. I was in the same boat as you about 2 years ago. I had just found out I was expecting... told the world... went in for what I thought would be my 8 week appt only to find out my baby was only measuring 6 weeks and with no heartbeat! It took several weeks to get to the point where I could talk about it without bursting into tears. I have used that pain to encourage women and mommy's for these passed two years... it's made me such a better friend and has given me a new appreciation for my earthly family and deepened my love for Christ! for some reason I always forget to save your email in my address book. I'd love for you to email me :)

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    1. Thank you, Whitney, for sharing this with me! It is pretty amazing how God can turn our pain into something good! Only He can because I know it's not in me. I think I finally fixed my no reply blogger thing. It took me some time because it switched without me knowing it when I went to Google+ Test it out and let me know sometime!!! :)

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  4. I have not had a miscarriage, but I lost my son when he was 5. I know your pain. And I have chosen to be open about it, so I started my blog. Please stop by and know you are not alone.

    Jill @ And Life Goes On... (immovingalong.blogspot.com)

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  5. I have lost two babies this year. (My midwife suggested I use the phrase "lost a baby" because I couldn't say the word miscarriage. It rolled off my tongue with such bitterness. The phrase helped me talk about it and move past the hurt.) I lost my second baby last week. I was 4 weeks along, similar to you in this post. We had just found out we were pregnant five days prior to losing that pregnancy. I have not talked about it because I didn't know what to say. I read your post and there it was - said for me.

    I'm glad I found you on the Thursday blog hop. Following you back.

    Karina

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    1. You know, I like that phrase much better than miscarriage. I think I will stick with that. I'm sorry for your loss's as well. Thank you for sharing your story with me!

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  6. my first baby was lost at 16 weeks..Matthew Mary..one of the worst experiences of my life...but I have a soul in heaven.
    I am sorry for your loss.

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  7. thank you so much for this post! That graphic really HELPS ! Ive been having so many thoughts lately! After losing 9 sweet souls... (well not losing them, but the Lord gaining nine more angels) but you know what I mean :), we decided to not try anymore... but lately as my son gets older, and I get healthier and fitter, I feel like I want another sweet baby to raise up in the name of the Lord if its His will. Thanks Again! :D

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